People post all the time about how we should make sure that women should have standards and only allow men with ABC qualities into our lives. That we should hold ourselves holy, yet accountable, which in my mind, is a wonderful sentiment. But quite difficult to do.
Because, let’s be honest, we all have our faults, don’t we? As I’ve said in a previous post, I would hate to be dating me. I would! I am a mess and I say that right now, straight out, that if I was someone dating me, I would probably be like, “Really? Again with the drama?”. I have a lot of drama in my life and not of my own creation. But it often leads me to look like this:
I don’t instigate drama, but it seems to coalesce around me, like annoying gnats hover around, say a cow or donkey (which makes me one or the other or both). Drama likes me. My immediate family is always going through something or I have to undergo some medical procedure to determine if I have an XYZ condition or my car gets broken into or my electricity goes out for however long that I can’t surmise or my basement floods, again…you get the idea. I actually hate, absolutely detest drama. I have tried to buttress myself against it using mainly financial resources or my personal, emotional barriers, but they always get to you, don’t they?
My boyfriend, John, is great. He’s like, “You always have drama.” But he knows it’s not of my own choosing or not even necessarily is created by me but he still sticks around. Which is admirable.
Because, if I was him, I would have thrown my hands up a long time ago and been like, “I’m DONE! You’re too much!” Which I am.
Because, if I was a guy, if I was someone dating me, I would probably not like doing so. I think too much, I needle and grind away at the details, I detach and push people away while at the same time needing some reassurance and blame them if they don’t give me enough, I pad around in my pj’s and snap at those around me to “give me space, dammit!!” and then feel somewhat neglected if nobody is around, I do all the insane, inane crap that people who have abandonment issues do, the people who have too many thoughts rattling around in the brain do, those who pace and stay awake at nights in bed thinking, “What does this all mean?” and then stalk to the kitchen or watch Netflix movies do…that is me.
I randomly read books in the middle of the night or do things like suddenly clean up my bedroom or ferociously wipe down the floors in my house and immerse myself in doing laundry while also reviewing political articles online and comment on them out loud angrily. Yeah, I do that. And then I will take myself off the grid and then huddle in my comforter and snuggle down into my bed, thinking I’m done for now and ignore life for awhile.
Often, I feel like I am too little and too much at the same time.
So I would absolutely hate to be dating me. I would hate to have to deal with me, because I AM me and I hate to deal with me.
So when women say, “I deserve a man who is worthy of me,” I want to say back, “Really?!!? Look at yourself first. Because maybe you’re not such a trophy!!”
But maybe that’s just me.