Sex Related Injuries Are the Worst. After the Sex, I Mean.

YOU. Get over here.

“Dear Mr. So-and-So. I apologize for not being able to make it into work today because I sustained a sex-related injury. Sorry!!”

Yeah, you totally can’t email that. But it happens. Well, it happens to me.

I am toddling around in my house because of one, my back completely aching and sore. My poor back has been abused due to helping me move stuff from my Baltimore house to the new one and also from, uh, energetic activities. But how do you put that in an email? And is that even covered when it comes to HR purposes? I don’t think so and I don’t want to find out because I’ve worked in enough places to know that although HR says that they are HR and therefore information is kept confidential, crap like that always SOMEHOW gets leaked. Then you’re the weird person walking around and seeing people giving you the side-eye all of a sudden and wondering, WTF, what happened? Why are they looking at me like that?!!?

Why? Because they KNOW.

Work environments are insane in that way. Gossip like sex-related injuries (not that I ever reported one) always circulates. That is one of the reasons I’ve been able to form good friendships through work: I know how to keep my mouth shut. I don’t disclose shit, I don’t acknowledge it, and sometimes I’m even able to forget that I knew it. It’s a good trait to have, except sometimes it spills over into other parts of my life, when someone tells me something very personal and then my mind places it in the “trash” icon of my brain and deletes it. And then the person gets offended, which I 100% understand, that I don’t even remember that they told me an anecdote that has deeply affected them.

To be fair, that doesn’t happen to me often. But it does.

In my opinion, the best policy when it comes to work dynamics is to not talk about anything personal you know about anyone who works there. Silly or funny stories, things that they themselves would be okay with disclosing at lunch, but that’s it. It’s just safer that way, and also saves you a lot of drama and turmoil afterwards. Also, you have to close ranks, right?

So, obviously I did not report my injury as sex-related. Also, a lot of people, I’ve realized, don’t have that kind of sex. I don’t know why, but each to their own, I guess. I am more of a rough-and-tumble person so am not someone who is strictly into the missionary position. It always seemed kind of boring to me, to have a foreordained routine where both partners then roll over, yawn, and go to sleep. What is the point? Experiment a little, add a little spice to your life!!

I had a bruise recently on my arm from sex. A colleague of mine asked at work, “Oh, no! What happened?!”

“Um, I’m really clumsy.” I replied.

“That’s too bad!” She replied with a sweet smile. Then I remembered a similar conversation with a friend of mine where I responded, “I bumped into something.”

“What, a dick?” She said.

That’s when I knew that she, like I, have had…uh…exploratory sex? That’s the only delicate way I can put it. Or aggressive sex? However you say it, only people who have had that kind of sex will recognize the bruises and marks you get from being sweaty and somewhat crazy in the bedroom. It’s kind of like Fight Club!!

And…of course, my boyfriend, John came home tonight and fell asleep on the sofa, happily snoring away after work. So peaceful. So content. So relaxed. I wanted to punch him in the face. But, of course, couldn’t due to the back injury he gave me. Jerk!!

But from me to all of you out there who haven’t engaged in at least a few insane antics in the bedroom, well, it’s worth it. Even if you can’t explain it to anyone honestly except your closest friends and have to endure a related injury that takes you out of of commission for a while.

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